In the face of my life

I’m currently siting outside on my front porch being attacked by various bugs and listening to my neighbor’s mow their over-watered lawns. I shouldn’t complain too much about them because I’m stealing someone’s wifi, and it could easily be one of them. Then again, the wifi sucks (at least the ones not password protected – I can see why). There’s not much I can do like this, so I figured I’d “blog”, but then that got me wondering what the hell I even have this for. I never update it, and when I do, it’s always about random crap such as… now.

I don’t want to delete this, but I’d like to do something with it. Not sure what “theme” to focus on (everything seems to have been done already), and I’m not even sure I have the discipline to keep up with something daily.

The neighbor is speaking to someone in Polish, and I want to understand it even though it’s likely about landscaping or  putting siding on their house by the way they’re circling the house and pointing at the trees and such. It makes me wonder if everything I’ve ever written on here sounds like the Polish I was just hearing, and if people can only slightly infer what I am trying to say, and maybe all I’m even talking about is as interesting as landscaping, or the siding on a house.

Why is it when you really want to buy something, you start to regret all the stupid crap you bought in the past? 

I look at stuff I bought over 10 years ago and I say to it, “If I didn’t buy you, I would have the money to buy [item of desire].”  As if that thing is gonna drag me back in time to when I’m just about to buy it and let me make a decision based on better judgement. However, we all know that won’t happen. It isn’t true at all that we wouldn’t of ‘wasted’ that money. Because, face it, if it wasn’t that $10 oversized stuffed dolphin, it would be stationary you never write on, or Dunkin Donuts ice coffees that you’ll regret for more than the $10 wasted. The best part is, that thing you really want to buy  now with that money you could of had if you hadn’t bought that crap in the past, will probably become one of those very items a few days or a few years from now.

I try not to think too much about it, but sometimes you just want to kick yourself for the stupid crap you own and don’t use. At least there are places like eBay, half.com, and craigslist, right?

Time goes by quickly when you stop watching it so intently.

I’m going to try my best to face this next chapter of my life. So far 2009 has proved to be an uplifting, interesting, and confusing year. Sure, the shyness still has it’s tiny claws around my neck, and I look at myself in the mirror and say, “You’re still not there yet” every now and again, but those sorts of thing are fading fast. More often I’m saying to myself, “Nice progress! Keep it up.”

A new semester is beginning, and even though I’m a little nervous, I feel confident. I’ve accepted that mistakes will be made, and I will feel lost now and again and more often than not, but that’s the fun of life.

My heart is beating fast.

Have you ever had a pair of boots, a sweater, or a knick-knack that you loved, but it gave everyone else a laugh. Maybe it’s the oversized sweatshirt you bought while on vacation a few years ago, or a ceramic something-or-other some awkward relative gave you on some sort of special occasion. Whatever it is, you love it, and you don’t care what other people think. The best part is that you can’t really say why you like it exactly. It’s always something general. The sweatshirt is comfy, the ceramic something-or-other has nostalgia value. No matter what, you’ll never see those things strewn on your front lawn next to a “Yard Sale” sign!

I have a few other “blog” names under this main one that I’m going to start using very soon. I’ve said it before, but I hate the word “blog”. I groan when someone says “I just got a new blog!”, and I wonder if others have the same reaction when I tell them about mine. I can’t really tell you exactly why I hate the word. It just seems so… corny? Who knows…

I know maybe 3 of you actually read this thing (or at least comment) – thanks! The whole reason I started this thing was for myself. It seems that when I’m writing here, I put a little more thought into what I write. I’ll go back and edit sometimes, and I’ll have more of a specific focus. It won’t be like that all the time. The raw stuff is a lot of fun every once in a while!

This was pretty general. Was it boring?

I’m a shy person. I always feel like I’m being weird or annoying, and I’m not sure why I feel that way exactly. There are very few people I’m comfortable around, and that makes for some socially awkward situations. You’d think talking online – not face to face – would be easy. Even that sort of interaction is a bit troublesome for me. For example, Facebook. It’s a great website, I love it, and it keeps me in touch with many people whom I do not see on a regular basis (including family). So tell me this, why does it feel so awkward for me to comment on the status of someone who is my ‘friend’ and who I’ve known from at least as far back as high school (which isn’t too long ago)? Part of me feels like they will be thinking “I haven’t talked to this person since sophomore year english class! How dare they comment on my life!” And I don’t mean the type of life changing criticisms. I’m talking more along the lines of saying “I also saw that episode of House, and I thought it was really clever!”. Why does that feel awkward? Then another thought comes to my mind. What if these people think I accepted their friend request or only added them for the prestige of having x amount of Facebook friends? I wish I could tell everyone on my friends list, “I think you’re all interesting people, and I’d love to chat with each and every one of you every once in a while, but I’m too shy and too worried I’m going to appear creepy, so I’ll just watch from afar like an actual creepy person and hope you don’t delete me from your friends list.” I’m not sure all of that will fit in a status message, and if it does, I’m not sure it will go over too well.

So what is it about the internet that is making people feel socially awkward again (I’m sure I’m not the only one!)? What once used to be a way of communicating without many fears (besides the occasional meet and greet rape session), has become more and more like real life situations. Has the internet become too personal?

I’ve gotten sick a lot this year. Not just slight colds, but sick to where I can’t really function. It’s weird because usually I only get that sick maybe twice a year, this year has been more than double that. My general health has declined, and frankly, it’s because of laziness. I’ve gained a lot of weight despite what people tell me (“Oh shut up! You’re skinny!”). I notice it. I feel bogged down. I don’t feel thin. This sort of thing only seems to happen when I’m not at my happiest.

I went a few months where my health was getting back to what it used to be. I started running again, played tennis, and my stamina was starting to build itself up, but then the cold weather rolled in. Instead of literally running from my problems, I found other ways to escape. Excess amounts of videogames, asian dramas, and delicious fatty foods took over. Again, I’ll blame the weather. In the summer, I tend to eat a lot less, and the things I do eat are light and tend to lean towards the fruit and veggie category with a nice helping of meat and proteins in small amounts. Fall rolls in with the chilly air and there I am buying sugary hot beverages from some coffee place, stuffing my face with seasonal foods (pies, cakes, Thanksgiving…etc.), and sitting around feeling crappy because my belly is popping like I’m pregnant and I’d rather sulk then actually fix it. Winter is just as bad with even more horribly delicious treats, colder weather, and more apathy. I’ll go a week with solid exercise at a gym, lose a few pounds, then head back to bad habit hotel and stay there until spring arrives.

Why can’t people be like bears? I want to hibernate. I want to be able to sulk, stuff my face silly for a few days, and just sleep while I whither away until these dreadful days become warm and welcoming again. 

However, I am saying this with a soar throat, a bad case of Post Holiday Blues, and  a pig belly. I would hate missing all the cool events that take place during late Autumn and Winter. 

Maybe I’ll give running in the cold a try, and I’ll try to make a New Years resolution about weight that I can stick to, and hopefully by then this virus will have finished invading my system, and my mood will perk up.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.

It snowed today, and despite making travel feel pretty close to an icy hell, the world really did look pure and simple for a little while. I hope my family who is visiting NJ have safe trips…

This year, I have a feeling I’ll be writing about snow quite a bit. 

Snow makes me feel nostalgic for so many reasons. It reminds of mom coming into my room at 5 in the morning to tell me if school was delayed or closed. She’s a teacher, so she gets the calls right away. It was such a nice feeling knowing I could snuggle back into my comforter and sleep a few extra hours. Then I think about building igloos with my dad, and having massive snowball fights with the kids in my neighborhood. I miss sledding with my brother and building forts with him. I miss staying out until it was pitch black and somehow I would only just realize the cold and decide it was time to go back home. Mom would warm our scarves and gloves by the heater and put our coats in the dryer, then make hot chocolate. Sometimes dad would light a fire in our rarely used fireplace. 

As I get older I like the snow and cold less and less. I don’t usually stay out in it very long, but if it’s a particularly deep snow, I’ll put on a pair of snow pants and jump in.

Messing around with a layout. Gonna make a new banner soon… this one sorta sucks haha!

I quickly learned that wordpress doesn’t give much layout freedom. I think this one is cute, so I’ll stick with it for a while. Hey, it’s free.